So, it has inadvertently* become Peace Corps Month over here on Randi with an i.
*Just kidding, I’ve been scheming and planning these posts since JANUARY.
Late last month, I announced that I’m quitting my full time job to move overseas and volunteer for two-plus years starting this August.
Then I talked a little bit more about what I’ll be doing in the Peace Corps — where I’ll be serving, what my job responsibilities will be, more about my family’s connection to my country of service, etc.
Today’s post is really personal. It’s a huge rambling diatribe filled with missives, laments and really deep reflections. I’m kinda putting a lot out there, guys. A lot of fears, insecurities, mistakes, thoughts and regrets. Go easy on me.
When I was in undergrad, I made a bucket list of sorts for my future. I spent about an hour on it. I used Crayola markers in various colors. It included things like “Visit Uganda!” “Volunteer as an Invisible Children roadie!” “Advocate for social justice!” and “Live abroad!” The list, of course, concluded with “Work as a journalist in Chicago!” which was the Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️ I figured I would accomplish at the age of like, 40. I was so proud of this list, of this future I had so clearly defined for myself. I hung my Crayola Roadmap to Life™️ up in my apartment, took a photo of it, posted it to Facebook (this was 2011, after all) and captioned it with a bunch of smiley faces.
Fast forward to 2018. My life fast-tracked to the part of the list that said “work as a journalist in Chicago!” and short of checking off that specific box (15 years sooner than I anticipated, mind you), I never ended up doing any of the other things on the Crayola Roadmap to Life™️. In fact, I eventually ended up deleting that photo from Facebook because I was a little embarrassed that I’d made all these grand plans for myself, and never ended up accomplishing most of them.
Living overseas is something I’ve always wanted to experience, but never really got the chance to do. Life just always kind of stood in the way, you know? I meant to study abroad in college… but then I got an internship offer I couldn’t turn down. I meant to take a gap year once I got my bachelor’s degree… but then I got a job offer right after graduation I couldn’t refuse, and enrolled in grad school to boot. I kinda meant to look into backpacking after I received my master’s degree… but then I got an offer for my literal dream job here in Chicago at the Tribune, and there was no way in hell I was going to turn that down. After all, it was my Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️.
In retrospect, it’s no wonder I accomplished my Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️ so early. I was laser-vision focused on it from the get-go.
I kept making these massive strides in my career — which I am so grateful for, don’t get me wrong — but meanwhile, those other passions of mine, those other checkboxes on the Crayola Roadmap to Life™️ I wanted so badly to pursue? They kind of fell by the wayside.
I accomplished my Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️, yes, but I did so at the expense of all the other smaller experiences I wanted to have along the way.
Of course, I didn’t realize this right away. During my first two years at the Tribune, I was pretty spoiled with a very fast trajectory upward in terms of career advancement. Everything seemed perfect. Then, over the past two years, things kind of seemed to plateau a bit. Management shifted, uncertainty crept in. A little more than a year ago, I started thinking “OK… what’s the next step?” I started to realize that when you accomplish your Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️ at age 25? …It might be time to find a new Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️.
I started thinking about what that goal might be. The New York Times? The Washington Post? CNN? A switch to PR? Corporate communications?
None of those seemed quite right to me. It took me a while to kind of put together the pieces and realize… maybe it wasn’t too late to take a few steps back and recommit myself to checking off some of those boxes on 21-year-old Randi’s Crayola Roadmap to Life™️.
At the same time I started coming to these realizations about my career, the revelations regarding my personal life started pouring in as well.
(I told you guys I was going to be putting a lot out there in this post!)
In March 2018, I went through a really bad breakup at the same time my parents were filing for divorce. I’ve been through breakups before (literally sooooo many breakups, I’m a mess), but this one completely shattered me. I’d poured everything I had into a relationship with a guy who was unwilling and unable to reciprocate. This guy had been my best friend since high school. I truly believed this man was my soulmate and I honestly thought we were going to get married. I was devastated when he dumped me via text message — mere weeks after I flew across the ocean to visit him* while he was studying abroad in Italy, mind you.
After The Breakup™️, for the first time in my life, I truly wanted to be completely alone. I’ve always been the girl with the boyfriend, the girl talking to some guy, the girl with options, etc. — but for the first time ever, I had no desire to emotionally open up to anyone else. I was drained and devastated. I closed myself off. Watching my parents go through their divorce proceedings only amplified those feelings for me.
And, of course, this all happened at the age of 28. 28 is an interesting age. It’s right when the societal pressure to get married and settle down starts to kick in. So, not only was I reeling from an incredibly heart-wrenching breakup that left me unable to pursue a serious relationship, I also started to feel really insecure about my newfound emotional deficiencies. While I knew I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship due to the fallout from The Breakup™️, I was at “that age” where I was “supposed” to put down roots somewhere, and pursue a long-term relationship that would lead to marriage and kids and the white picket fence and everything. How’s that for a catch-22?
All this happened about mid-2018. At about the same time I received my fifth boss in the span of about a year at the Tribune, and my love life was massively imploding into complete and total disrepair seemingly falling apart, I also marked three years in my little L-adjacent one-bedroom rental apartment here in Chicago — the longest I’ve lived in one place since I was 17.
I started to really think about where I was at and what I was doing with my life. I started to ponder what my future looked like, and whether that outlook was something I was OK with.
And most importantly, I started to think about the things in life I could have done, and wanted to do, but didn’t — like all those little checkboxes on the Crayola Roadmap to Life™️ that ended up falling victim to the detours that pushed me to my Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️ faster than anticipated.
I thought about all these things, and came to some pretty big conclusions.
First? I accomplished my Ultimate Lifelong Goal™️, and that’s that. I’ve wanted to be a Chicago journalist since I was in middle school. I accomplished that at the age of 25. That’s something I can, and will, always be proud of. I can move on from it, and moving on won’t null and void that experience. It’s something I will always have. It’s something that can never be taken away from me. Plus… there’s nothing that says I can’t return to journalism — or Chicago! — at some point in the future. Well, fingers crossed in the case of journalism, at least.
Second? I’ve never let a relationship — let alone a potential one — dictate my life or stifle my dreams. Why the hell would I start now? Why is that even a thought? I dumped a boyfriend to move to college. I dumped a boyfriend to move to Chicago. So why should I let the possibility of a relationship with a hypothetical person at some potential point in the future ground me here, just because that’s what I feel outwardly pressured into doing? Answer: I shouldn’t. Life happens on my own timeline, not society’s. Thankfully, I’m smart enough to realize that — while I refuse to let The Breakup™️ define me — it does have a huge and unavoidable impact on my life. It would be futile to ignore that and force myself into a relationship I’m not ready for solely for the sake of satiating that insecurity that plagues me more and more with every save the date that makes its way into my mailbox. Furthermore? There’s no guarantee I’d even be ready for a longterm relationship if I just sat in Chicago and waited it out. Hell, it’s been a year and a half since The Breakup™️, and I am still not over it! I might make it to November 2021 (My Peace Corps close of service date) and still not be ready for a serious relationship. And then I’d just regret not spending those two-plus years living overseas! Plus — relationships involve two people. I am one person. I can’t simply *decide* to get married in the same way I can *decide* to accept an offer for my dream job. That’s not how it works! It’s silly to pretend otherwise.
So, once I came to those two conclusions? I decided there was no sense clinging on to an outdated goal I’d already met. I decided there was no sense, either, in holding out for the possibility of some fairy tale of a happily-ever-after I might not even want anyway. Neither one of those excuses was good enough to keep me from moving forward (sideway? backward?) and chasing down some of those other dreams I had at 21 and still have today… like living abroad, and serving in the Peace Corps.
Finally, it all came down to money. I’m a first generation college grad. My parents are retired factory workers. I have a $35,000 balance on my student loans, and my salary at the Tribune stalled out at $46,000 a year. Don’t get me wrong, I am privileged in so many ways, but it just never seemed like I was in a position where it was feasible to quit my somewhat stable full-time job and leave its benefits behind for the pipe dream of serving as a volunteer in the Peace Corps.
So… navigating the financial challenge? To be honest? I just said “fuck it.” When I first made the decision to apply, I immediately started taking steps to do everything I could do to financially prepare. I looked into student loan repayment options and decided to let my 401(k) take the hit. I started picking up side hustles, freelance gigs and contract work in addition to my full time job to save as much money as I possibly could, started dumping all of that money into a high yield savings account, and then I just put my fears aside.
So now, what was my excuse? What was holding me back from those other checkboxes on my Crayola Roadmap to Life™️? What was stopping me from pursuing those other ambitions, dreams, experiences I wanted to meet, live, have?
Absolutely nothing.
So, I opened my browser. I typed in “peacecorps.gov.” I clicked the “Volunteer Openings” button.
And here we are.
And here we go.